A Serious Pause: Part 1

A while ago I read a post sent to me by a friend and written by a Real Live Blog Goddess : The Bloggess.  It's about her battle and a wonderful read.  So take a minute to read her words.

She wrote about Depression.  At the time I read it, my life was a total mess with external tornadoes threatening to turn it completely upside down.  By some small miracle, I stayed upright.

Loved ones were sick, house fires, Christmas, insomnia, feeling personally lost, add a decent helping of Expected Holiday Joy to that bowl, throw in visits from family and Non-Stop Kid Time and I was in a freaking Pit of Despair that needed to keep going round the clock.  After reading her description of her hell, I started doing a lot of thinking.  I came to terms with myself that I was very Depressed.

Not stressed.  Depressed.

Not tired.  Depressed.

Not simply sad.  Fucking Depressed.

I cracked the day after Christmas when all I really wanted to do was lock myself in the bathroom and make the wolves fend for themselves.  I wanted to cry.  To break down and get all this energy and pent-up bullshit off my chest.  But there was no time.  More family was arriving, kids were expecting happy times, smiles and more presents.  I needed to push it down a little more.

I put on my Big Girl Panties and dealt with it.  I lasted until bedtime.  Then I lost it.

All I wanted was to melt away.  For someone to tell me I was okay to be weak.  That someone else would be strong for me for a while.  It was okay to be sad.  It was okay because I was not going through this crap alone.  I wanted reassurance.  Comfort.  Compassion.  But I was met with the Oblivious Wall.

People that have not experienced Depression just don't get it.

Let me say that again in case you weren't listening.

People that have not experienced Depression just don't freaking get it.


Unfortunately, Captain is someone that has not experienced Depression personally.  To him, depression is something you can sleep off or treat by watching a comedy or simply Lightning Up and laughing.  Or that it's just a Hormonal Girl thing.  (Statements like that makes me want to kick men in the balls - you think we like feeling like a homicidal lunatic once a month?)

Captain has the Oblivious Wall.  Not that he does not think Depression is real.   He knows it is.  But I think it scares him a little.  It's weepy.  Something he can't understand.  Something that the Depressed can't even articulate and he cannot comprehend.  So he backs away from it, hoping it will go away.

With me, that means I also withdraw.  And get bitter.  For days.  I sit on it until I explode over something trivial.  Commence long argument about nothing that really matters.  We take a pause.  We make up.  All better.  For a little while.