A Letter to My Scratchy

My Dearest Scratchy,

You're goofy, but still adorable.

(I know I don't call you Scratchy in real life... but go with it)

Twelve years ago you came bursting into this world screaming about injustices and rather annoyed by everyone. When you were put into my arms, I had an instant smack of reality. What do I do with a BABY?!  I was young.  I was naive about how hard (and expensive) it was to take care of a child.  I was on shaky ground myself, but I carried you close, and we started our own path.  Up hills, over mountains and through scary and happy places.


You were an imaginative, energetic, LOUD little kid.  You had quirks about you that I still love.  From Toy Story to Dinosaurs to Power Rangers to Dragons... Your fierce independence, funny smile and your silly ways brought more happiness into my life than I thought possible.  I had no idea where life was taking you, but it you were going to get there with no announcement needed.

Childhood innocence 

I know that life was not easy for you.  We moved 8 or 9 times in your first 7 years of life.  Apartments to houses to more apartments.  You never had a space of your own.  You've already been in 4 different schools and one year I gave up the idea of a new school and just homeschooled you.  You've made friends and lost them over and over because we moved.  You never had the opportunity to have a real childhood home.  I promise all the moves were for good reasons.

Your wonderful world of Stinky and Smelly which had both your parents in the center was blown up when your little brother was born and you were, very unfortunately, pushed aside for far too long.  That little beastie was in your room All. The. Time..  He did not play with you like we promised, demanded all our attention and pretty much made you the Forgotten Child.

The year after that little beastie was born, I worked a lot.  Too much.  I was gone all the time, long hours, weekends, long trips.  It still breaks my heart to remember how you cried when I was making banana bread one fall afternoon when you were about 5 years old because you thought I was leaving you for another long work trip.

See the thing in the red shirt?  That's the Beastie.

Later in your childhood, your dad had some major problems.  You had to see them first hand.  You were on the front lines, protecting and partnering with your little brother from all the scary, strange things that happened with him. You also shouldered through a messed up divorce and had to understand all too young how mom's and dad's sometimes love each other enough to make a family, but don't like each other enough to live under a roof as one.

I'm sorry for that.

You grew up faster than you needed to.  I didn't protect you as much as I should have.  You retreated emotionally.  You held back, you lost that fire. It was always WAY more than just a spark.  

Through it all - the moves, the brother, the divorce, the chaos, the changes... you have made me very proud.  Right now you are full into your teenage boy attitude, and that's okay, too (most of the time). I miss snuggles and cuddles and still try to hold on a moment longer than you'd like when we hug. I know you love me and are just trying to spread your wings.

If my children have any part of my spirit, you are my soul.  Your insight, your sadness, your love, your determination, your passive nature, your angry, fierce passion, your ambition... that's me in there.  Love me or blame me for it, it does not matter, really.  You'll probably do both throughout your life.
I love you so very much.  I'm proud of you.  I will always be by your side, 10 feet behind or on the sidelines supporting you.  I know whatever you do, wherever life takes you, you will own it and make me even more proud.

Mr. I'm-Almost-12-Leave-Me-Alone

Happy 12th birthday (2 weeks late), son.

I love you,
XOXO
Mom

P.S. You have not taken more than one decent picture a year in the last 5 years.  What's up with that?? - Mom